I wish I would’ve enjoyed it more.

We did it… we have survived 365 days as a family!

 

One year ago today, July 11th, 2016, Lilith Elaine Montcalm came screaming into this world!

You can get all the details about how her birth went down HERE. 

There’s no denying that it was love at first sight. But I won’t lie… it was also “What the fuck am I doing?” at first sight too.

So hell yes, I’m going to celebrate today. Not just because it’s my baby’s first birthday, but because I did it. WE did it. Everyone is still here, healthy, and – for the most part – happy.

But when I look back at how crazy and quick this last year has gone, there’s one thought that keeps popping up… I wish I would’ve enjoyed it more.

My first year as a mom was filled with so much love, but also so much doubt. So much second guessing myself. So much wondering if I was doing this right. And even, so much fear. Yes, at times I was afraid of my baby. Moms who go to lay down a baby that has be screaming for 6+ hours at night know what I’m talking about. I tend to be very analytical, so I feel like I spent a lot of time not in the moment, but worrying/stressing/fearing the past or worrying/stressing/fearing the future.

When is her next nap time? Why is she screaming? Am I making enough milk? Am I eating enough? Am I eating too much? Is she gassy? Is it reflux? What if it was something I ate? Should we put her on prescription medication? What if it helps? What if it doesn’t help? What if I make the wrong decision? 

 

And then there were the added thoughts about myself and getting to relearn my body, post c-section…

As I’m revisiting these thoughts and writing them out for you, I have tears in my eyes. Because I didn’t need to think them. Everything – Lilith’s health, my milk supply, my boobs, our marriage, and even my tummy – are OK. But you wouldn’t have been able to tell me that then.

Well, you would’ve, but I wouldn’t have really heard it. Because though I look back at those thoughts now and want to roll my eyes, at the time they were very real worries for me. And I traded a lot of the good moments with my newborn – the snuggles, first smiles, naps, tiny hands and fingers, etc – for those worries.

I wish I would’ve enjoyed it more.

If you’re a mama, and you find yourself analytical and a worry wart like me, let this be a lesson to you. I don’t care if you’re 12 weeks pregnant or 12 years postpartum… try to enjoy it a little more. Acknowledge the fears, but don’t let them stop you. Slow down a little and try to enjoy more of those moments you’ll never be able to again, mama. Because they go all to quick.

Just try to enjoy it a little more.

 

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